Spiritual Alzheimers

Spiritual Alzheimers is:

a) what happens to your brain when you have too many mortal sins on your soul.
b) what Pope Francis recently chastised Vatican leaders for.
c) a long-term care facility for Catholics.
d) Oh God, I can't remember what it is...

Correct answer is: b. The Pope gave a tongue-lashing to Vatican poobahs, suggesting they had forgotten basic spiritual values that had drawn them to the priesthood. He also warned against the "terrorism of gossip." Verbal jihad anyone?

A.H. 12-28-14

Alphabet Soup

A is for Aileen's Axiom which is that incorrect information travels ten times faster than correct information.

B is for BLAH - Believing Life Already Happened. Check your pulse. Still have one? You life is still happening and you can unblah it.

A.H.

Mood Forecast

Mostly crabby
with a chance of
afternoon sarcasm.

A.H.

Plethora of Gratitude

Am grateful for the letter p
which provides punch
pop and pizazz
to many words.
Pithy at times
persnickety at others,
plausibly
the most popular
productive and pleasing
letter.
Thank you P!

A.H.

Cardiac Stunning

The doctor described
medical criteria
for this condition
but haven't we all
had blows to the heart
that left us stunned
and resolving
never to hurt
that bad again?

The risk
of guarding
the heart
against further assault
is cardiac stunting.

A.H.

How to De-Doldrum the Winter

1) Delete November from calendar or at least three weeks of it. Preserve Thanksgiving.
2) Embrace the darkness. Pretend to be disappointed that it isn't dark 24 hours a day.
3) Learn a new skill. Macrame could be making a comeback any day. Be prepared.
4) Create new celebrations and rituals. It's National Windshield Wiper Day!

A.H.

The Best Word Ever!

Multiple Choice:

Porcupette is:

a) a tool used in medical laboratories

b) a French pork dish

c) a made-up word

d) a baby porcupine

Correct answer: d. A baby porcupine is called a porcupette. Is that the best word ever? Or at least for today?

Flying scientific factoid: Baby porcupines are born with quills but they are soft and harden as they age. Kind of like humans isn't it?

A.H.

Election Fatigue Syndrome

You may have EFS if:
-you scream "No, not again!" (even in public) when a political ad comes on for the 400th time.
-you feel like you're on a first name basis with candidates i.e. Did you hear what Mark did or I can't     believe Dan said that.
-you've seen more of the candidates (or their images) than your own family. This might also be a symptom of Candidate Saturation Disorder, which is closely related to EFS.
-you're counting the minutes until this election is over.
-you immediately discard all your mail, even checks and bills, because of the glut of political mailings.

A.H.

What I Did in Washington, D.C.

1) Money Laundering
  -accidentally put "folding money"  through laundry.
2) Marched on Washington
  -late for civil rights march but Danita and I trooped behind John (who set a blistering pace)
  on the supposed 3 mile walk, which had to be at least five.
3) Ate scrapple
  - thought I had pleasant memories of eating this in childhood but must have been mistaken.

A.H.

Murmuration Multiple Choice

Murmuration is:
A. a heart arrhythmia.
B. a speech disorder.
C. a town in Ohio.
D. a flock of starlings.

Correct answer: D. flock of starlings. It also appears to refer to the "far out flocking phenomenon" they do. Check it out here:www.lovethesepics.com/2012/11/

Senator Bob Dole and the Floral Library

What do Bob Dole and the floral library have in common?
A) they are old .
B) they live in Kansas.
C) I encountered both yesterday .

Correct answer : C. I saw Senator Dole and the Floral Library on the National Mall in Washington , D.C.. Senator Dole -who is 91 - was greeting people in front of the WW II Memorial.
A floral library - is this delightful or what? I want to study there .

A.H.

800 Seconds of Gratitude

 Eight Hundred Seconds

Decide to honor

my sister’s 800^th post

on her gratitude blog

with 800 seconds of gratitude.

How hard can it be?

Hmm, 800 seconds?

That equals…?

(insert math problem here)

thirteen minutes, twenty seconds.

Do the two minutes

for the math problem

count toward the 800?

Okay, eleven minutes plus

of total gratitude

starting now.

I’m grateful for:

this coffee,

Tom – even though he was pesty at 3 a.m.,

my writing group (currying favor),

Potter’s Marsh,

my health,

oh rats! I forgot to make dental appointment.

Get back into gratitude Aileen.

Okay where was I?

I am thankful for:

Hotdish Haiku book Zita sent me,

sleeping in,

the novel I’m reading,

last night’s movie

and leftover popcorn.

That reminds me:

I need to get cat food.

What else before I leave Friday?

Better buy new tennies.

Back to gratitude A.

Think it’s easy

to have 800 straight

seconds of gratitude?

You try it!

I’m going to weave

the 800 seconds

throughout my day,

threads of appreciation

brightening the hours.

   A.H. 9-30-14         

Why Catholics Can't Sing

Multiple Choice
Catholics can't sing because:
a) they might enjoy it and that would be a sin.
b) they have PTSD - Post Traumatic Singing Disorder - from Catholic grade school music lessons.
c) the acoustics aren't good in churches.
d) there is no commandment "thou shalt sing."
e) I don't know because I haven't read the book yet.

The most correct answer is e) I haven't read the book yet. What book, you say? "Why Catholics Can't Sing: The Culture of Catholicism and Triumph of Bad Taste." I am not making that up. This title called to me at a garage sale. Chapter headings include: The People Without Music, The Irish Way and Mr. Nice Guy. In the unlikely event I read this book I will report back.

A.H.   9-24-14

Things I Rarely Say

1) This coffee is too strong.
2) This dessert is too rich.
3) Wish I hadn't taken that nap.
4) That vacation was too long.
5) This brownie is too chocolate-y.
6) There's too much sunshine. (Thanks to Kelly for this one)
7) I'm entirely too thin.
8) My car is too fast.
9) Wish I hadn't stopped at that bakery.
10) I laughed too much.

A.H. 9-19-14

R.I.P. Baxter

Baxter - our big, brown cat -died unexpectedly on Monday. John, Tom and I have lost part of our family. We've had Baxter (or he's had us) for about 11 years. We adopted him from Petco. He had apparently been "returned" by someone else, thus he was a "used" cat, as someone called him. Thanks Baxter for the laughs, the joy and the love.

I had the thrill of seeing a Kodiak brown (grizzly) bear on Wednesday and decided it was Baxter reincarnated. Thus, the following haiku:

Kodiak brown bear
running wild, gulping salmon,
it's Baxter writ large.


I think I can still hear him purring. Goodbye Baxtie.

A.H. 9-13-14

Haiku Times Two

A bevy of birds
bursts from top of neighbor's tree,
the party's over?

A flirt of a day
promising to be pretty
then turns cold shoulder.

A.H.

In Praise of Pancit

Protested mildly
when patient
promised pancit,
secretly glad
when still-warm
platter delivered.
Inhaled half
in one eating,
think I might
be addicted.

Note: Pancit is a Filipino noodle dish which I'd never had before moving to Anchorage. I promised my hairdresser Shawna that I wouldn't mention that she thought pancit was a state of mind. Hmm, a pancit state of mind...it's possible.

A.H.

Leaking Light

Started with
a drop or two
but now the days
are leaking light,
today a hemorrhage
of five minutes
and thirty-eight seconds.
At first made
futile efforts
to stem the flow
but now can only
stand back
and surrender.

A.H. 8-26-14

Stick It

"Will you be eating
anything on a stick?"
my sister queried
on hearing of
a pending fair visit.
Passed on the
pork chop
and chocolate-covered
bacon.
Wonder if she'd
believe I consumed
moose eyeballs
on a stick?

A.H.

Multiple Choice Plus Haiku

Multiple Choice

Charrette is:
a) my middle name
b) a sauce made with wine
c) a planning/mediation meeting
d) a region in Austria

Correct answer is c. Charrette: a meeting in which all stakeholders in a project attempt to resolve conflicts and map solutions.
Alaska Dispatch News, August 18, 2014: "More than 50 individuals tied to the beleaguered port construction project will meet...for a weeklong charrette."
Author note: The "beleaguered port" actually needs a divine intervention but I doubt it's high on the Divine Project Manager's list.

*****
Haiku from Iowa Visit

Five Canada geese
etch their late summer goodbye
across the still lake.

A.H.

Garden Haiku

Reaching for the sky
a flowering skyscraper,
my delphinium.

A hazard of hues
tossed upon the green landscape,
my garden palette.

Nasturtiums race
in competition for sun,
colorful runners.

Because the strawberries
hide under cover of green,
I hunt for scarlet.

A.H. 8-6-14

Light, Captured

Still an abundance
of daylight,
enough to squander.
But the sunlight
shrinks by
four minutes twenty-five seconds
today.
Need to cache
pieces of bright
around the house,
to be startled this winter
when I stumble
on them,
fireworks
against the dark.

A.H. 7-22-14

Frozen Mass Threatens Dalton

Oh no, my nephew's
in trouble!
Best let my sister know.
Oh, the Dalton HIGHWAY,
aka the Haul Road
to Prudhoe Bay.
A moving mass of
frozen debris
(my ex-boyfriend?)
is sliding toward the road
and the trans-Alaska pipeline.
Can't decide which name
I like best:
giant blob or
frozen debris lobe?
Regardless,
it's mean and
it's moving.
********

Anchorage Daily News,  June 24, 2014
"The road is about 140 feet from the leading edge of the debris - a frozen accumulation of sand, gravel, rock, silt, old pieces of wood, ice and other materials that continue to puzzle scientists."

A.H.

Corporate Cats

This morning,
after informing
the cats about
my conference call
and business meetings
I pondered
how they would handle
the work world.
Decided that even if
cats could have
conference calls,
they wouldn't.
Every meeting
would have same agenda
(with treats served a given.)
Cat Business Meeting Agenda:

1. Do nothing.
2. Rest.

A.H.

CSI: Alaska

Surveyed crime scene
in my backyard:
broken fence,
busted plant stand.
Swore when I
stepped into
evidence,
then noticed
fresh prints.
Declared perimeter clear,
suspect long gone,
guilty of entering the garden
breaking my plants.
The perp?
A local moose.

A.H.

Emotional Knick-Knack

I have
a sadness,
don't know
where to put it,
what to do
with it.
Can't take it
out for a walk,
feed it
or frame it.
Guess it will stay
on the shelf
for now,
another
emotional knick-knack.

A.H.

After the Writing Workshop

Guess I'm supposed
to use fancy phrases
that befuddle
and impress
but I don't have
the energy
to tart up words
and trot them
onto the page.
Would rather work
with ordinary,
not my style
to obscure and prettify.
A few choice words,
freshly picked
and simply garnished
are all I need.
No call for organic,
free-range, gluten-free
fussiness.
At my roots
will always be
an Iowa farm girl,
harvesting basics.

A.H. 6-17-14

Total Daylight: 19 Hours, 11 Minutes, 46 Seconds

Daylight exploded,
shards of sun lodged in the day
see them sparkle.

A.H.

Invitation

You are cordially invited to attend:
your life.
This is a one-time only event.
Fabulous door prizes-
must be present to win.
Refreshments served.
Casual dress.

A.H.

PRODUCE

I have been painting vegetables lately, enjoying their colors and forms.

Tomatoes plump and red contrast
with lettuce leaves of crinkly green
beside deep purple globes of beets
and carrot spikes of orange-gold.
Fine art is found at the grocery store.

Loon Haiku

The red-throated loon
gave its' wildly lonesome cry.
I was there, right there.

A.H.

Note: My first sighting of this beautiful bird.

Seasonal Alaska Diary - Summer Version

Sunrise: 5:11 a.m.
Sunset: 10:41 p.m.
That's a whole lotta light!
And I musn't miss
a minute of it.
How else to explain gardening
at 10 p.m.?
Really must get
to bed sooner
cuz if I wait
until it's really dark
to sleep
that will be August
and I will be crazy
by then.

A.H.

Waking Up the Garden

In the fall
I put the garden to bed.
Come spring,
I pull back
the blanket of mulch
and whisper
"It's time to get up
and grow."

A.H. 5-7-14

The Last Frickin' Thing (for LIsa)

The last frickin' thing
I wanted to do tonight
was be grateful.
But then,
out walking,
I spotted a dog
that made me smile
and the hard crust
of my day
cracked a little.

A.H.

April Haiku

Flying to Kenai
patches of ice stitched with brown
an earthen fabric.

A.H.

Double Robin

Announcing itself
from the top of nearby tree
first robin of spring.


Competitive Birding

Blithely pronounce
robin sighting
to fellow birdists
and they trump
with varied thrush.

A.H.

Ecological Literacy Test

You might not be ecologically literate if:

- you think carbon credits are something you get at a jewelry store
- you think climate change means adjusting the thermostat
 -you wonder what state plastic is grown in
-you confuse global warming with a hot flash

A.H.

Is It Spring Yet?

Winter's grasp broken,
see how the Canada geese
write hope in the sky.

Newly arrived geese
balance gingerly on ice
on Reflection Lake.

A.H.

Outpatient Kidney Transplant

Wow!
A new high (or would it be low?)
when insurance person asked
-twice!-
if a kidney transplant
is an outpatient procedure.
Wanted to say I
-the social worker-
would be doing it
later today
in my office
but didn't want
to further confuse her.
Had probably already
distracted her by answering
her question
"Are you calling from New Jersey?"
with
"I am SO not calling from New Jersey."

A.H.

Almost Spring Haiku Times Three

Land of blackened snow
where break up is hard to do.
Welcome to Grungeville.

On the cusp of spring
raven gargling a marble,
anticipation.

It can't be long now
before springtime overwhelms.
The gulls have returned.

A.H.

Liquefaction and Other Worries

Things To Worry About         

1) Back fat

2) Did I turn the coffee pot off?

3) The e-mail fired off in irritation and haste

4) Liquefaction

Things I have some control over: back fat, coffee pot, e-mails

Things I have no control over but am being told I should “be haunted by” – liquefaction.

“All Alaskans should be haunted by liquefaction.” Michael West, state seismologist, Anchorage Daily News, March 24, 2014

Liquefaction: a phenomenon in which the strength and stiffness of a soil is reduced by earthquake shaking i.e. solid ground turns into jello.

Things We Don't Need Anymore

1) Daylight Savings Time
 
2) The Electoral College

3) Football
 Disclaimer: My hair dresser Shawna suggested this one. Don't be mad at me.
3a) Wild Card Playoff spot - also suggested by Shawna. I didn't fully understand this but think doing away with football in general takes care of it.

4) The Kardashians

A.H.

Hope Haiku

Across Cook Inlet
I can see a piece of Hope
many miles away.

A.H.

Note: Hope, Alaska is a sweet little town about 80 miles from Anchorage.

Haiku

That sound, soft and moist
far below the melting snow,
is it spring breathing?

A.H.

Domestic Politics

I pulled a Putin
and invaded
my husband's space
while he was gone.
Positioned the cats
to protect the border
but they will defect
when he comes
in the door.

A.H.

Alaskana -Iditarod Special

True or False (choose one): The Iditarod Air Force is an elite group of fighter pilots based in Alaska to protect against Russian aggression (can you say Ukraine)?

False. The Iditarod Air Force is an all volunteer group of bush pilots who assist with ferrying whatever is needed during the Iditarod. This could include race officials, journalists or injured dogs.

It is true that I've failed once again in my quest to be the first-ever cat musher to run the Iditarod. My plan was to train Tom and Baxter and then build my team from there.  Baxter, being a hefty cat, should be a good puller. Alas, neither cat seems the least bit interested in acquiring the necessary skill and discipline.

A.H.

SEW WHAT?

Is it a symbol of our times
that no one gives a darn
if they can thread a needle
or be nimble with a thimble?
No longer do we tend to mend,
or save what can be useful,
we are wasteful, there's no doubt,
we just throw things out.

 ***
Snow ladens the boughs,
reminder of a season
renewing its vows.

mce

New Word - For Adults Only

Daturbation (data plus masturbation): taking excessive pleasure in one's own data. Could also mean: massaging data to fulfill oneself or extending the meaning of collected data beyond reason and/or common sense.

"In data we trust" - whether it makes sense or not. Example: Fifty% (big number!) of the people in my marriage believe the toilet paper roll should be placed so that tissue comes from the bottom of the roll. Note: I do not have seven sister wives. I do actually have seven sisters but that is a different data set.

Warning: Daturbation will make hair grow IN YOUR BRAIN.

A.H. 2-27-14

Emotional Olympics

Do I really
want to
win gold
in sprint judgment?
Why be
the best
in downhill thinking?
Is jumping to conclusions
a winter
or summer sport?

A.H. 2-23-14

Multiple Choice

An aglet is: (choose one)

a) a miniature farm
b) the tip of a shoelace
c) a type of igneous rock
d) a bird native to Brazil
e) none of the above

Correct answer: b. Who knew those metal or plastic thingies at the end of shoelaces even had a name?

A.H.   2-12-14

Sneaky

Some people sneak
into your heart;
when you go
into the chambers,
turn on the light,
see them there,
you are surprised
but pleased.

A.H. 2-3-14

Driving Back from Wasilla

The slant of the sun
even in January
burnishes the moose.

A.H. 1-29-14

Bird Migration Haiku

A chevron because?
Aerodynamically
optimal, of course.


Note: The V shape migrating birds fly in is called a chevron. Scientists have recently verified (by fitting birds with sensors) that this formation helps the flying birds conserve energy. It has long been suspected this is the reason.

A.H. 1-22-14

Kodiak Haiku

Free performance of
avian aerialists
bald eagles soaring.

A.H. 1-15-14

Plastisphere

Plastisphere is: (multiple choice - pick one)

a) the space immediately surrounding Miley Cyrus.
b) where expired credit cards go.
c) a mysterious marine ecosystem.

Correct answer: c. Minuscule pieces of plastic in the ocean serve as a base for other organisms. This is probably not a good thing.

A.H. 1-10-14

Haiku

When the spirit is
cracked open, the shell reveals
the sun yolk within.

A.H. 1-6-14

Used Up Nice

My ninety-one year old mother-in-law
is confused and crabby.
Friend suggests she has
"used up nice."
Suggest you catch me
in next three years
because I will have
"used up nice"
by the time
I hit sixty.

A.H. 1-3-14