DementiaLand

I found this recently and wasn't going to post it but the line "I used to be a person" has haunted me all week. It was written maybe 8 or 9 years ago about an elderly friend.

"I used to be a person"
she said, eyes begging belief,
a spot of food on her face
framed by stringy hair.

"I haven't always been like this"
prefaces a repeated story.
"I'm 77 right?"
She is 80, the same as 5 minutes ago.
"You're old enough" I respond.
She smiles slightly.
What do numbers mean anyway?

"I had a restaurant and children"
tells about them,
shuffling decades
a deck at cards, dropped.

Memory and shadow are the same
as she announces
"I'm going to be a person again."


A.H.

Aging is Weird*

Whose body is this?
Oh-
it's mine.
Didn't recognize it
for a minute,
this shape-shifting
used vehicle.
Who is that grayhead
in the mirror?
Oh-
it's me.
'Twas only
a few years ago-
make that 45-
that I was using Sun-In.**

Ha! Go ahead-
droop, creak, dry up.
It's  a wrinkle fest.
Smooth, supple skin
is so over-rated.

I know this-
I must stay alive
to find the answer
to burning questions such as:
Will I be popular in the nursing home?
(my last shot)

Weird, this aging business.
Was there an instructional DVD
I missed?
What if I
suck at aging?
Aim for grace,
hit grouchy instead?
Can't bear to flunk
the aging well test -
returned with a big, red F.
Weird.

*but probably beats the alternative
*bonus points if you used Sun-In

A.H.

Perfectionitis

Description: the state or condition of being infected with perfectionism.

Symptoms: persistent attempts to achieve the u achievable, holding oneself up to unrealistic standards, bullying oneself resulting in emotional pain, shame and blame.

Prognosis: potentially fatal if left untreated. Even mild cases can suck the joy out of life. No known cure but ongoing treatment prevents relapse.

Treatment: daring to be mediocre. Staring the Not Good Enough beast in the face. Facing the Big Empty and saying "Ha! I'm not afraid of you." Risking vulnerability.

Causes: appears to have both familial and environmental factors.

A.H.

Little Quiets plus haiku

Little Quiets

Shhh...
loud world -
big, brash, bellowing.
Abrasive, angry, agitating.
Enough already.
Need little quiets
to comfort,
provide refuge
from the bloated bluster.
Hush...
loud world
while I listen to
little quiets.
*****

Dipping and diving,
anointing in the birdbath,
the blessing of birds.

A.H.

Emotional Braille

If
the words are
flat on the page
how will I
feel them?
No ridges, texture
or contours-
no guidance.
Need edges, form
and dimension
rising from the page-
emotional Braille
to run my mind over
and find my way
home.

A.H.

Life with the State of Wyoming Inside*

I know -
it's a big state
but I can imagine it
ensconced in my solar plexus,
Cheyenne my belly button,
the Bighorn Mountains
in my breastal area.
Why Wyoming?
Wy not?
A squarish, squat state
fits better than an odd-shaped one
like Florida.
Florida would catch
in my innards.
Dangerous to have Hawaii
in there-
imagine an island
     drifting

                                  off.

*This single line -Life with the State of Wyoming Inside -is written, with no explanation, in my journal in 1992 or 1993. I have no idea what I might have meant. I lived in northern Colorado at the time, close to Wyoming. Wyoming seems open and empty to me - perhaps I was feeling empty or open or both (sometimes they are the same) or not. I am fond of Wyoming.
A,H.
 

Tired Land

There is a space
in my mind;
a room
full of the clutter
of regrets,
disappointments,
griefs - big and small.
Packed full of
shards of shame,
ends of envy,
wads of worry -
the debris of depression.
I am an
emotional hoarder.
It's time to clean
Tired Land,
free up space,
air out mustiness,
travel lighter.

A.H.