For the New Year

If You're Moving...

At the end of
a disheartening day
I slunk into
my first-ever Zumba class.
Flummoxed,
flailing my arms and legs-
no grace here.
Feeling my confusion
the young woman
next to me said
"If you're moving,
you're doing it right."
Ahhh...

****

My Shi-ty Little Life

How can my
very same life
go from shitty
to shiny
in five minutes?
Took my little life,
shook it up,
turned it over.

A.H.

Holiday Exultations

Don't get your tinsel in a tangle. Breathe..
Don't worry if your cookies crumble. Relax...
Don't meltdown under the mistletoe. Stay mellow...
Don't let your poinsettia wilt. Stay hydrated...
Don't let your ribbon unravel. Refresh...
Don't crush your candy cane. Celebrate...
Don't get your holly in a hassle. Hope...
Don't get your wassail in a whip. Let it go...
Don't get your bells in a jangle. Keep it simple...
Don't let your ornaments be an obstacle. Be grateful...
Don't let your tree topple. Stay balanced...
Don't let presents predominate. Give presence...

A.H.

Solstice -Reflections on Light

Solstice

Soon the black balloon
of the day
will spring a tiny leak,
the darkness dribbling out
slow at first
gaining speed
the balloon shrinking
and shriveling
until the sun
grows into a
fat ball of a day.
****

Whole Lotta Dark!

Dark 26 hours
a day now.
"Not possible"
you say.
Am using the
perceived light index.*

*think wind chill factor
*****

It is way dark now.
This can only mean one thing -
the light is closer.

A.H.

Fiction Starts Here

Fiction starts here
proclaimed the bookstore sign.
If only it was always
this clear,
a placard or
warning buzzer
when my mind
goes on walkabout-
my perceptions
fuzzy at best-
you are now entering
the fiction area-
perhaps an interesting story
but not true.

Fiction starts here
and continues
in the current national
political story,
certified fact-free,
an uneven plot line.
Who wrote this mess
and when will
fiction end here?

A.H.

Counting Our Sums*

Not the final number
that matters
but the act itself,
choosing to count
blessings before blights.
My counting includes:
the Boys in the Bed (don't worry-it's legal) -
my husband John,
the cat boys Tom and Oscar,
my first defense
against cold inside and out.
Thus fortified,
I continue adding-
coffee, always coffee,
after which family and friends
can be appreciated.
Some friends are human,
others are words
to read and write,
a comfort and refuge.
Next I give thanks
for a fledgling faith
and life circumstances
that allow
the luxury of reflection.
Here, still here,
counting blessings.

*"We are all blessed and we're all blighted...Every day each of us
does our sums.The question is, what do we count?"
Louise Penny - "The Murder Stone"

A.H.

Anchorage Woman Tapped As Policy Advisor to President-elect

Policy Revision

"I'm going to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it."

"Well, maybe not a wall the whole way-maybe a fence in places."

Okay, in the spirit of unity, let me help with this.
How about a phalanx of those plastic pink flamingos on some stretches?
Wouldn't that be pretty?
Oh-and people could dress them up in outfits for special occasions.
I don't want to discriminate here-we could use any kind of lawn ornament to mark the border. Everyone has an extra lawn ornament in their garage. Gnomes anyone?
And... lawn ornaments need a lawn so we could plant a strip of grass. Well okay we could xeriscape in places. Best of all-it's budget neutral- we just use what we already have.

Now, about that border with Canada.

A.H.

I Voted For.... plus haiku

I Voted For....

I vote for civility
and kindness
my platform is
decency and respect
I choose to be
an involved citizen
I elect not
to demonize others
I select media
that is intelligent
and fair
I believe
we are the government
and I vote.
****

Flurry of feathers,
bird festival at feeder-
a feast for my eyes.
***
November morning
dark and cold, inside and out-
waiting for the light.

A.H.

Feelings plus Haiku

Bare branches surprised
by the newly fallen snow
will forget in spring.
******

Exquisite Pain*

Some sadnesses
shrink
to tiny hardened pebbles.
Easy to forget
until stepped on
and then
the pain sears.

*exquisite pain is an actual medical term meaning severe pain
*********

Hit a seam
of molten anger
yesterday,
had to be careful
to let it
propel me forward
into action,
not inward
scorch my spirit.

A.H.

Goodbye -for Mary E.*

Abandon us
just as the cold and dark
settle in
and we most need
the hard flint of your words
to strike a light on the page.

Go ahead, leave us.
I won't miss your
wit and wisdom,
your pithy profundities,
your erudite elderhostiles.**

Thank you writer-friend
for your word pictures,
your solid sentence structure,
the poems hewn
from pain and pleasure.

I will miss the shelter
of your words.

A.H.

*Mary E. is a writer and friend who is moving out-of-state. She has been an integral part of Saturday writing group.
**elderhostiles are Mary's vignettes about life at her senior housing complex.

Goodnight, Garden / A Final Garden / October, Alaska

Goodnight, Garden

Time to
put the garden
to bed,
tucked under a
blanket of leaves.
Rest now,
have sweet dreams
of spring sun.
Night, night.

A Final Garden

Some year,
perhaps soon,
I will plant
my final garden.
Autumn now
for me,
loss and decay
after splendid summer
of growth and color.
Some time-
a big sleep
with no awakening
when I
become earth.

October, Alaska

I want to take
big, fat bites
of the sun,
to feast on light
before winter.
Might be stuffed
with sunlight
for a day,
not sustained
for the season.

A.H.

Random Acts of Writing -Just Giggle It

Yes, today's offerings are leftovers -bits of writing that will spoil if I don't use them.

1) Aileen's Axiom: incorrect information travels 10 times faster than correct information.

2) question you probably won't get in a job interview - What is your astrological sign and how will it affect your work?

3) list of people and groups of people a certain male presidential candidate hasn't ridiculed, mocked, scorned or belittled -
                    This space intentionally left blank

4) "Giggle it" - what I recently heard someone I know (and am married to) say instead of "Google it."  I quite like this.

5) The stingrays at SeaWorld look like giant, flattened swimming rats. This does not appeal to me.

Wow, writing is exhausting. I better pace myself and take a nap.

A.H.

DementiaLand

I found this recently and wasn't going to post it but the line "I used to be a person" has haunted me all week. It was written maybe 8 or 9 years ago about an elderly friend.

"I used to be a person"
she said, eyes begging belief,
a spot of food on her face
framed by stringy hair.

"I haven't always been like this"
prefaces a repeated story.
"I'm 77 right?"
She is 80, the same as 5 minutes ago.
"You're old enough" I respond.
She smiles slightly.
What do numbers mean anyway?

"I had a restaurant and children"
tells about them,
shuffling decades
a deck at cards, dropped.

Memory and shadow are the same
as she announces
"I'm going to be a person again."


A.H.

Aging is Weird*

Whose body is this?
Oh-
it's mine.
Didn't recognize it
for a minute,
this shape-shifting
used vehicle.
Who is that grayhead
in the mirror?
Oh-
it's me.
'Twas only
a few years ago-
make that 45-
that I was using Sun-In.**

Ha! Go ahead-
droop, creak, dry up.
It's  a wrinkle fest.
Smooth, supple skin
is so over-rated.

I know this-
I must stay alive
to find the answer
to burning questions such as:
Will I be popular in the nursing home?
(my last shot)

Weird, this aging business.
Was there an instructional DVD
I missed?
What if I
suck at aging?
Aim for grace,
hit grouchy instead?
Can't bear to flunk
the aging well test -
returned with a big, red F.
Weird.

*but probably beats the alternative
*bonus points if you used Sun-In

A.H.

Perfectionitis

Description: the state or condition of being infected with perfectionism.

Symptoms: persistent attempts to achieve the u achievable, holding oneself up to unrealistic standards, bullying oneself resulting in emotional pain, shame and blame.

Prognosis: potentially fatal if left untreated. Even mild cases can suck the joy out of life. No known cure but ongoing treatment prevents relapse.

Treatment: daring to be mediocre. Staring the Not Good Enough beast in the face. Facing the Big Empty and saying "Ha! I'm not afraid of you." Risking vulnerability.

Causes: appears to have both familial and environmental factors.

A.H.

Little Quiets plus haiku

Little Quiets

Shhh...
loud world -
big, brash, bellowing.
Abrasive, angry, agitating.
Enough already.
Need little quiets
to comfort,
provide refuge
from the bloated bluster.
Hush...
loud world
while I listen to
little quiets.
*****

Dipping and diving,
anointing in the birdbath,
the blessing of birds.

A.H.

Emotional Braille

If
the words are
flat on the page
how will I
feel them?
No ridges, texture
or contours-
no guidance.
Need edges, form
and dimension
rising from the page-
emotional Braille
to run my mind over
and find my way
home.

A.H.

Life with the State of Wyoming Inside*

I know -
it's a big state
but I can imagine it
ensconced in my solar plexus,
Cheyenne my belly button,
the Bighorn Mountains
in my breastal area.
Why Wyoming?
Wy not?
A squarish, squat state
fits better than an odd-shaped one
like Florida.
Florida would catch
in my innards.
Dangerous to have Hawaii
in there-
imagine an island
     drifting

                                  off.

*This single line -Life with the State of Wyoming Inside -is written, with no explanation, in my journal in 1992 or 1993. I have no idea what I might have meant. I lived in northern Colorado at the time, close to Wyoming. Wyoming seems open and empty to me - perhaps I was feeling empty or open or both (sometimes they are the same) or not. I am fond of Wyoming.
A,H.
 

Tired Land

There is a space
in my mind;
a room
full of the clutter
of regrets,
disappointments,
griefs - big and small.
Packed full of
shards of shame,
ends of envy,
wads of worry -
the debris of depression.
I am an
emotional hoarder.
It's time to clean
Tired Land,
free up space,
air out mustiness,
travel lighter.

A.H.

Catch and Release

Nothing
then everything,
on my fishing line
at Montana Creek.
A wild pull,
water interrupted.
Then, on the bank,
a rainbow flashing
across its silver sky
of a belly,
flopping and flailing,
a splendid fish.
Soon,
returned to the creek
but no less beautiful
for the brief encounter.

A.H.

FIID -Facebook-induced Inadequacy Disorder*

Diagnostic Criteria:
- persistent feelings of inadequacy corresponding with Facebook viewing.
-continual comparison with others perceived to be having more excitement and/or adoring families as evidenced by their Facebook postings.
- impaired perception of one's own life and well-being corresponding with decreased enjoyment and sense of well-being i.e everyone else is having more __________(fill in the blank) than I am.

Symptoms must persist for at least one month and can not be explained by another mental or physical disorder.

*not in the actual DSM-5 but I will nominate for inclusion in the DSM -6 (DSM - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.)

A.H.

For Orlando and for Me

Again.
Hate.
Hate plus assault weapons
plus bitter blame
and whatever else
went into the poison brew
which boiled over.
Forty nine life lights
extinguished.

It must stop.
It must start with me
ferreting out hate
in myself,
standing against intolerance
and judgment.

So little I can do,
so important to do it.
It is time for illuminating
the dark -
hold firm,
stand kind.

I am alone.
I hope you are with me.
This must stop.

A.H.
In honor of lives lost in Orlando and lives forever changed.

Darkish -Alaska Summer*

No statement of night
only a suggestion,
not enough dark
to grab onto,
instead a hint
of darkish.

*For Lower 48er's - sunrise at 4:30 a.m, sunset at 11:26 p.m. Total daylight - 18 hours, 55 minutes, 33 seconds (a whole lotta light! -the title of a previous poem.)  Gain of daylight for today - June 4th - is 3 minutes and 8 seconds. This amount of daylight makes Alaska weird in the summer when the whole state is sleep-deprived  (I can sleep in the winter! This is not a good mental health strategy.)
Of course Alaska is also weird in the winter , well actually year -round. And we are about to run out of money. Not to be crude (an unintended pun) but the oil teat that Alaska has sucked on for years is running dry. And our legislate-laters (not a typo) need massive adult supervision in Juneau.
Oh, gotta go work in the garden - no matter that's it 10:30 pm. The sun doesn't set for another hour.

A.H.

My Brain on Insurance (Overload)

Remember "This is your brain on drugs?"
Here is my brain on insurance overload:
                         .
Yes,it's the size of a period.
No it hasn't always been that small.
Yesterday, after one too many insurance calls with impenetrable phone trees-
"Press five if you'd rather stick pins in your eyes"
 and a snarly customer disservice agent
and an assault of acronyms-
"Did you get an EOB with your COB?"
my brain exploded-
(didn't hurt as much as expected as my mind was numb)
and then condensed.
Wonder what the ICD -10 code is for that?
Brain shrinkage due to environmental factors?
Please don't suggest I call my insurance company-
I'm SOB* just considering it.


*Shortness of breath

A.H.

Coffee Drinks Only My Husband Orders

"Mud Eye."
Blank look from barista.
"Mud shot."
Contined blank look.
He's done it again -
confounded, conflated, combined,
created new names.
What he really wants is:
A Shot in the Dark
aka Red Eye, Sludge Cup
or Depth Charge.*
Just hope he doesn't request
and get
a Shot in the Eye.

*names for a shot or more of espresso in a cup of coffee - a strong cup of coffee.

A.H.

Crafted Greens

Say what?
Seen on a menu-
"crafted greens."
Does this mean
arugula needlepoint
or perhaps
macrame with lettuce?
Crocheted cress anyone?
Knitting with frisée?
Suspect it is simply
salad.

A.H.

Roger's Shoes*

"Of what avail this restless, hurrying activity, this heavy weight of earthly duties."
Tukaram

Left
by the side
of the bed-
Roger's shoes.
Running shoes
no longer needed.
Nothing needed now,
the collection
of earthly items
shucked off, useless,
reminding those left behind
of what was shed.
What is left behind:
running shoes
and miles
of memories
and love.

*In memory of my brother-in-law Roger Watson who died Nov.1, 2015 from early-onset dementia (Lewy body.)

A.H.

Got a vocation? Get thee to a nunnery!

Growing up a vocation meant a religious calling to be a nun or priest. Even though the days of neat nun habits seem to have passed, it may not be too late for that vocation. Choose from one of these religious orders ( or shall we say disorders?)

The Mony, Mony Monks
These musically-inclined monks have fun with the rhythm method. They draw their inspiration from the Tommy James and the Shondells smash hit -Mony, Mony." Yeah, yeah, feels so good.

Little Sisters of Stromboli
Got a culinary calling? Want to serve via food? This spicy group of sisters is for you. In a nod to convention but with their unique twist, their nun hat is a chef's toque.

Big Brothers of Zamboni
This highly polished group of men appeals to religious sophisticates. They are also known for impromptu hockey games.

Divine Order of Nappists
Patron Saints: Saint Mattress and Pillowicious

A.H.

Zita Air*

Mom!
I'm older-
why does Zita get an airline first?
Just cleared for take-off-
Zita Air,
not named after my sister Zita
but her namesake Saint Zita
who was "a servant who set an example to her co-workers and even her master."
Also "her perseverance through maltreatment was encouraging."
Wouldn't call teasing my sister maltreatment.
Wait a sec -wasn't she the bread-baking saint?
Did I mention we were raised Catholic?
Hmm, wonder if people named Zita
get free flights?


*actual factual information about a new air taxi company in western Alaska.
Quotes are from company owner Danielle Troll in Alaska Dispatch News.

A.H.

Reflections on Real Life

Lost in the fog
of dementia,
"This isn't my real life,"
she said,
the real one
misplaced.
Caught in a storm
of stress and worry,
I think
"This isn't my real life"
just practicing
for the real deal.

Caught in confusion
she asks
"Am I alive?"
Assured her
that indeed she is
and then pondered
her query.

Panicked
she yelled
"I'm unconscious,
call 911!"
Even I knew
paramedics
can't revive
a broken brain
but
"I'm unconscious"
resonated.

********
Not my finest life today
afraid it'll break.
This is my ordinary life,
will use the best one
on special days.

A.H.

Nickel and Dimed

Some losses
are five dollar ones -
big fat hurts
that everyone pays
dearly for.
Others are
nickel and dime losses,
little grieflets
gathering in grim corners.
Bits of pain-
the hoped-for friendship
a nonstarter,
a minor injury,
a favorite mug broken.
Too many
nickel and dime losses
add up to real pain.
Please keep the change.

AH.

Haiku plus Political

Chickadee displays
a sacred simplicity -
no wasted movement.
******

Slow day,
think I'll start
a new political party:
the possibilitarian party.
Platform:
believing civility,
reason, and (dare I say it?)
kindness can prevail.
Course it's also possible
we're screwed.
******

What makes sense to me
is this:
Oscar perches next to me
watches for birdies outside,
ready to pounce.
What doesn't make sense to me
is this:
political supporters
focused on differences,
ready to strike.

A.H.

Pout Party

No, I don't mean pot party. I've been feeling snarky and snarly lately. Surely it has nothing to do with the fifty shades of gray otherwise known as our winter. Can't be connected with the tone and tenor of state and national politics - no snarkiness there.
Perhaps I have been trying too hard to be sweetness and light and positivity, although my husband might disagree. Maybe it's time to indulge in a pout party , first cousin of the pity party.
No, you are NOT invited to my pout party. I am so not in the mood for company. This isn't an invitation -it's a warning.
For decorations I'm going to deface those yellow smiley faces by drawing a line thru them. Oh, I could just put them upside-down. Speaking of ...remember "turn that frown upside-down?" OMG! Gag me with a dead smurf! (a little fusion of decades there.)
Enough of this writing stuff. Time to sit in a corner and suck my thumb - but not until eating my party  favors, junk food of course.

A.H.

Two Short Poems plus Haiku

War with Words

If words
went to war
proper nouns
would be in charge
and action verbs
on the front line.
******

Book Titles*

The yellow birds
keep quiet
waiting for
a place
at the table.

*All words except "waiting for" taken from book titles on Title Wave shelf.
*******

Noticing ravens
pieces of charcoal broken
onto dirty snow.

A.H.

Interview with a Conundrum*

"I have a conundrum."
Oh, what do you feed it?
"Minced worry and raw pieces of fear."
Can you play with it?
"Not so much."
Does it need exercise?
"I turn it over in my head."
Does it take up much space?
"As much as I allow."
What's its name?
"Carl."

* Conundrum - an Official Fun Word

A.H.

Danger: Slippery Conditions Ahead

Weary of
wimpy walking,
want to stride
and strut.
Enough of
mincing and prancing,
ready to
own the ground.
Itching to be
firm and forceful
with my footsteps-
must beware,
and stroll
humbly, hesitantly
or my butt
will meet the earth,
probably not gently.

A.H.

Three: Haiku, Tiny Poem, Multiple Choice

Does it hurt the moon
when it snags on a bare branch
and is split in two?
*******

Snowflakes
surprised
they are falling,
*******

Multiple Choice

Alexithymia is:
A) a Greek  island
B) fear of people named Alex
C) poor awareness and understanding of emotions
D) a section of the brain

Correct answer: C. Not sure how I feel about that.

A.H.

Radical Right-here-ness

Decided to practice
radical righthereness
as antidote to
overwhelmtion
using presence
to pierce
fog of fretfulness.
Radical righthereness
snapshots:
see the snow
lacing the trees,
feel the movement
and muscles while gyming,
watch Oscar's tail
curve into a comma.
Right here,
right now,
only this.

A.H.

A Good Man Gone - for our friend Robin*

Told our cat

that his buddy Robin

wouldn’t be back,

ever.

Think Tom understood,

stayed close,

seeking solace.

Suspect Robin,

being a statistician,

always knew

the odds were poor –

the diagnosis last spring:

colon cancer with metastatsis.

Rounds of chemo,

hospitalizations, weight loss,

Thin to start,

became gaunt.

Robin crossed paths

with my very ill brother-in-law,

sharing a rehab. center,

was kind to Roger

in what became

Roger’s last days.

This is what

was there

as Robin faded -

a core of kindness.

He was a good man

and he is gone.

* John's colleague - and our friend - Robin Reich died on January 3rd. Robin (Dr. Reich) taught statistics at Colorado State University. We were fortunate to have him visit us in Alaska many times and he would "commit science" at our kitchen table. 

Special gratitude to Robin's dear friend Vanessa.

Goodbye 2015

A fierce wind
howled thru 2015
uprooting untethered
words and worries
flinging them
against the end
of the year.
Now the sad scraps
and tattered bits
cling to the barrier,
dregs of 2015.
But look back there -
see the shiny spots
where the wind-whipped grit
scoured places clean,
an almost sparkle.

A.H.